My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
