just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
