I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
