what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
