she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
