and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
