i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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