I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
splinters make it hard to masturbate
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
