I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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