well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
