So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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