He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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