Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
