I swear she didn't look like that last week.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Small penises have feelings too.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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