I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
