It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
