it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
