we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
