ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
