if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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