I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
