First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
