theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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