tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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