so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
we're so committed to being not committed
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
