If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
