2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I am puke
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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