it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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