I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
