So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
