I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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