I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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