I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
