who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
