I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
