I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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