I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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