At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
