woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
