The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
