shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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