captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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