I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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