I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
