you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
