there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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