i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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