in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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