Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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