Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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