Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
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I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
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I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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