dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
