is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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