Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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