dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
