Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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